Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy

A friend asked me about pregnancy and any “woes” that she should know about.  Specifically, she wanted to know the stuff that no one else will tell her.  And it got me thinking, there’s a TON about pregnancy that no one told me.  And I don’t think most people are told some of this stuff.

I mean, everyone tells you that you’ll be a peeing monster, have horrible insomnia, and your sense of balance will be off.  But there’s the other stuff, the stuff you will wish you had known beforehand, the stuff that no one told you.

So this is going to be uber TMI, but it’ll be completely honest.

  1. “Excuse me, mister. Can we stop for a second? I gotta go…I really gotta, Miss Hannigan. I mean it, lady. You’re askin’ for it. When you gotta go, you gotta go.” – Annie.  Yeah, you’re thinking peeing.  Everyone talks about how your baby is doing backflips on your bladder and you become a pee machine.  Totally true.  But here’s the thing, that baby in there, as she gets bigger, starts squishing all your organs into new and exciting positions, and a side effect is that bowel movements become less common than you might have been used to.  So seriously, if there is the slightest bit of indication that you might be able to have a movement, you jump at the chance and freaking go.  I don’t care where you are, who you’re with, how inconvenient the timing is, you go for it.
  2. “Fla … flames.  Flames … on the side of my face …” – Mrs. White.  I have hot flashes.  WTF?  I’m 35 years old.  I shouldn’t have freaking hot flashes.  
  3. “Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity…” – David Thorne.  You probably know that your nipples are going to change.  They’re gonna get bigger, they’re gonna get darker, and they’re gonna leak.  But let’s be really honest here – I swear my nipples are at least twice the size they used to be and so freaking dark they show through every shirt I own.  And sure they leak colostrum occasionally (especially when I’m in the pool WTF?), but the really random thing is they get kinda oily.  They lubricate themselves up, which I guess will be great when I start breastfeeding, but for now, all it does is make the inside of my bra gross.
  4. Pea Soup.  You know you’re gonna have morning sickness.  Hopefully you know the name “morning sickness” is a complete lie and it can happen any time of day.  What you may not know is that it’s like the vomit scene in The Exorcist.  I have never once had a single ounce of warning before vomiting.  Which means you can’t run to the bathroom, or pull out your “Designer Morning Sickness Bag” for some ladylike vomiting.  The first time I had morning sickness, I was walking down the street with Teddy when, while I was in the middle of talking, my head spun itself to the side and I puked all over the side of a building. The only thing that was good about the experience was that my head turned away from Teddy.  The couple seated at the cute little restaurant window that I puked next to probably wouldn’t agree, though.  Every other time I’ve been hit with morning sickness, I just vomit, no warning, wherever I am at the time.  My newest trick is that I choke on my own saliva in my sleep (because I kinda constantly drool, even in my sleep), and then I throw up.  My body somehow knows this is happening, so I literally wake up while I’m violently sitting up into a straight up position, hand over mouth, and then I run to the sink to try to vomit in it.  Pretty successful so far, but now that I’ve said I’ve been successful, I’ve probably jinxed it and will puke on my bedspread tonight.
  5. “I’ve actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages: ‘I’m in here when you’re walking around like that’?” – Robin Williams.  Body hair.  Never been too much of a problem for me.  Until the hormone party hit, and now I’ve got random hair. I haven’t completely wolfed out – gross – but I have random hair growing in random places.  I found a solitary stray hair growing out of my cheek.  I have a single hair I found next to my belly button, poker straight and wire thin.  And I feel like I shave my legs constantly, which is super fun considering I can’t rally bend over well so reaching my ankles is like a full on workout.

Those are the things that stand out for me.  What surprise symptoms have you had with your pregnancy?


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